Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Ugly Movie Reviews

By Bruce Gutierrez

For years now, the video store was the way to get movies. Now, with internet usage exploding, movie downloads are becoming very popular. Let's look at what you might find to watch using a movie download site.

The Prophecy: Seminarian Koteas relinquishes the temple throughout his own ordination to become a homicide cop. Eventually he's examining why Stoltz has killed an eyeless hermaphrodite with the physiological profile of an aborted fetus. There's either too much mumbo or too much jumbo in this oddball terror picture. Give it perverse points, albeit, for managing to work in a Korean Battle subplot and for projecting Walken as the life saver Gabriel. Cast includes Christopher Walken, Elias Koteas, Virginia Madsen, Eric Stoltz, Viggo Mortensen, and Amanda Plummer. (93 minutes, 1995)

Coach: Olympic gold medal victor Crosby is unintentionally employed as a high school basketball tutor for boys. An exploiting film that turns out disappointingly domesticated and unsurprising. Cast includes Cathy Lee Crosby, Michael Biehn, Keenan Wynn, Steve Nevil, Channing Clarkson, and Sydney Wicks. (100 minutes, 1978)

Unlawful Entry: Michael and Karen Carr have had a chilling experience. Someone broke into their house, and tried to rob them. When Officer Pete Davis shows up to help, out he seems like a godsend. In the days to come they find officer Davis might be their worst nightmare.

My Stepmother is an Alien: Luscious Basinger, who knows nothing of romance or sex, weds widowed scientist Aykroyd; he desires to settle into domesticity, while her mind is only on sparing her world from devastation. Someway, Jimmy Durante clones get performed into this lowbrow, high-idea comedy. Cast includes Dan Aykroyd, Kim Basinger, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, and Joseph Maher. (108 minutes, 1988)

Slaves: This is a bizarre cast in revisionist tirade in reference to Kentucky servant Davis sitting up for his rights. It may have signified something in the '60s, however now it's just humorous, with Boyd correctly humiliated. Cast includes Stephen Boyd, Dionne Warwick, Ossie Davis, Marilyn Clark, Gale Sondergaard, Shepperd Strudwick, and David Huddleston. (110 minutes, 1969)

Stage Fright: Theater student Wyman turns covert sleuth while an actress' spouse is killed. There are some stimulating scenes however the Mr. Hitchcock misses on this one. Cast includes Marlene Dietrich, Jane Wyman, Richard Todd, Kay Walsh, Aastair Sim, Joyce Grenfell, Sybil Thorndike, and Patricia Hitchcock. (110 minutes, 1950)

Slaughterhouse 5: Occasionally slow, occasionally on track, spreading view of life through eyes of one Billy Pilgrim, virtuoso no one who gets to be "unstuck" in time. Large-spending limit adaptation of a weird fantasy novel is tough going for those with a producer's point of view. Cast includes Michael Sacks, Eugene Roche, Valerie Perrine, Holly Near, and Perry Emperor. (104 minutes, 1972)

Kingdom Come: Regimen tirade of a minister who uses the auspices of the temple to guard a gal on a Mafia hit list. Obviously, he falls in love with her. Obviously, he additionally occurs to be the child of a Mafia chieftain himself. And obviously, the office sent this one un-crooked to video. Cast includes LL Cool J, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, Whoopi Goldberg, Loretta Devine, Anthony Anderson, Toni Zuniga, Chicky Vennera, Anne Tomey, Dane Clark, Paul Dooley, and Vassili Lambrinos. (92 minutes, 2001)

Bram Stoker's Dracula: Count Dracula is on a mission to find the one woman he truly ever loved. HE wants to be eternally reunited with her. He leaves Transylvania and goes to London to see if a woman who looks exactly like his love of centuries ago is in fact the woman he searches for.

Okay, if your looking for downloads, try phrases like "Movie Rental Download". If that phrase gets you nowhere, try another phrase. See if "Movie Downloads" gets a better result.

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